Thursday, 23 August 2007

The Conclusion

I feel like I have been on Jerry Springer(lol)
Anyways, hubby was strictly ordered not to discuss anything with me but he's been saying my mum is lovely and impartial...
Mrs To has cashed her cheque.
She's still living with her hubby, so they've resolved their issues.
I was ordered to apologise to Uncle To, which I did, for the sake of peace.
Mrs To was advised to stop 'broadcasting' intimate issues and she also apologised to her hubby.
Uncle To was advised to stop neglecting his wife.
Hubby told me that Uncle To shoud be on Jerry Springer.
The reason he stopped sleeping with his wife is because his wife found sexual intercourse painful....(Hubby was ordered not to tell, pls dont tell anyone oh)
So because Mrs To found intercourse painful, it was always a long battle to penetrate and she was always crying and he was always exhausted after the do.
He got fed up and annoyed and...blablabla (hehehehehe)
He swore he hadn't been sleeping around (indeed)
Mum advised him about foreplay (hehehehe) and that you cant just hump a woman like that especially if you are big below. She further advised to use Vaseline for lubrication.(hehehe)
Hubby said it was hard to keep a straight-face in there and he caught my Mum's sister laughing and trying to cover up by coughing several times.
Anyways, I reckon I shouldn't have interfered and right now, I'm not gonna be interfering in anyone's business.
I reckon it wont have been so messy if I had asked for Uncle To's side of the story AND if I was too hasty in judgement.
Men, if it wasn't resolved, I woulda been tagged 'Copido: The Marriage-Wrecker'
I flinch and shudder at the thought,,,,
I was only trying to be 'Copido The Good Samaritan'

Now to happier stories, hubby is back and two job interviews.......

The Saga Continues.....

Hubby agreed it was best for the gal to move on with her life.

I wasn't too surprised when my mum called me very late on Sunday night but I was surprised by what she said.

Mum: Copido, what happened today?
Mum: (hiss) I said what happened between you and To's wife?!!!
I did a quick summary.
Mum: And what did you advise her to do?
I repeated what I had told Uncle To's wife.

Mum:Why couldn't you call me first?
Mum:Can you please answer me? Why are you interfering in other people's lives?!
Me: Hello Mum.
Mum:My father just called me and he said To said you have wrecked his marriage and advised his wife to leave him..... and you even gave her money to go on with her life. Copido!!!!

Crikey! Damn!!

She gave me a long and thorough lecture about interfering in other people's affairs, about threading carefully and diplomatically in family matters, about steering away from family because they can cause 'kata-kata' and about her 'extended polygamous back-ground'.

Mum was ranting for a full 94minutes before she exhausted the minutes on her calling card and then she said she was going to call back so hubby and I switched off all our phones.

Hubby: You shouldn't have interfered babes.
Me: Huh?! That's not what you said initially, babes.
Hubby: (laughing) It's just an afterthought.
Me: Damn! What shoud I do?
Hubby:Lets call Uncle To's wife

So I disconnected our internet line and rang the lady

Me: Hello. This is Copido.
Mrs To: Hello! Hello! Hello! I cant hear anything oh. Hello? Hello?
So I rang back, but the operator said the number was not available and advised to try again later.
I must have redialed that number like a hundred times, so i conc
luded that she had switched her phone off.
I was soooo confused.
So hubby decided to call her husband.
He was on speaker-phone.

Hubby: Goodevening sir. This is OO, Copido's husband
Uncle To: (yelling) OO, has your wife told you what she's done? She wants to wreck my home eh? She wants to wreck my home, abi!
Hubby: I am very sorry about this. Infact I dont know what to say...
Uncle To: (crying) What have I done to Copido to deserve this. Please warn her oh. If it wasn't for the respect I have for you....mmmhhh, I woulda dealt with her.
Hubby: Please take it easy. We are very sorry. It's just a misunderstanding, mayb
e your wife misinterpreted what she said.
Hubby: But Copido called me too and started accusing me of all sorts. Blablablablabla
So hubby begged and pleaded on my behalf and Uncle To said 'it was okay'

He lied.

First thing Monday morning, I called my account officer to stop the N75k cheque and I texted Uncle To's wife to advise her the cheque had been stopped for now.

My grand-father called me later that morning to invite me to a family meeting that evening.

Damn! I was only trying to help, men!!

So I called hubby and he said he would tag along as a witness and tried to cheer me on.

Go Copi! Go Baby! Go Copi! Go Baby!

I texted Mum to update her and she didn't reply till evening.

She asked me to be calm and to send her a missed call as soon as I got there.

She wanted me to put her on speaker phone and my mum is a tigress.


In attendance were me, hubby, Grampa, Grampa's wife, Uncle To, Uncle To's wife, Uncle To's elder brother, Uncle To's mum, My mum (on speaker phone) and My mum's sister.
Hubby and I greeted everyone generally, Uncle To ignored me.

Uncle To's wife was told to narrate what happened and she was totally honest.
However, she had decided to get home first to make her husband's dinner before proceeding to her mother-in-law's and while she was cooking, uncle To got home, found her bag on the bed, went thru it and found my cheque.
He confronted her and she said she was going back to school and moving on with her life
and I had given her the cheque to help.
So he concluded that she was leaving him and he called Grampa, his mother-in-law and his mum.
His mum called Grampa with her own version and Grampa called Mum's sister and Mum(Do you get it?)

I confirmed what she said was true and the 'elders' asked her why she hadn't discussed this issue with her husband first.
She said she had done so several times and that she was ashamed to discuss it with anyone because it was so embarrassing.
They insisted she should have confided in her in-laws: her hubby's siblings or mum and that she had no business involving me.
They were beginning to lay the blame on the poor gal when mum spoke up: Ex
cuse me!!!!! Why are you blaming this gal, when you should be asking To why he's not performing his manly duties. If a man's house is in order...........

Uncle To: Copido, please can you excuse us?
The 'elders' agreed Uncle To's wife and I should leave and that hubby could stay....

Wednesday, 22 August 2007

Reatives that Suck II

So I called my uncle.

Me: Hello Uncle To

Ha! Copido, how are you baby?

(crying) Uncle To, why now?

(alarmed) Copido, what's wrong. Are you okay? Is your mum okay and your bros and sis and your husband nko? Copido answer me what's wrong?

Uncle To, it's you. It's you and what you are doing.

Okay firstly, I'm sorry for whatever I've done wrong. Now can you tell me what I've done that's making you cry like this.

It's the way you are treating your wife


(a hint of anger) What do you mean?

Has she offended you? Why aren't you sleeping with her?

What did you just say?

I just found out you haven't touched your wife in two years.

Copido, you are mad. Am I your mate? How dare you talk to me like that? Who told you this rubbish? What's your business, sef? What is your business?

There's no need to insult me. If you don't want her as your wife anymore, why cant you let her go so she can start her life again. Uncle To, remember you reap what you sow. What goes around comes around. I've done my part......

Ah Ah. Abi I'm dreaming ke? How dare you Copido! How dare you!

(still crying) What you are doing is not good and I wont condone it.

Hissed and hung up

Since he didn't deny it, I concluded he was guilty as charged so I returned to the lobby and I asked his wife if he had ever been violent towards her or shown any tendency for violence.

She said he had never laid a hand on her so I told her what i had done and I asked if she wanted to listen to my advice.

She urged me to go on.

I advised her that it wasn't too late to start her life again.

She could go back to school or learn a trade and be less of a liability to others.

I advised her to discuss this issue with her mother-in-law because mothers have a way of sorting these things out.

And if he says he doesn't want her as his wife anymore, I advised her to move on with her life.

She started crying again and she said she couldnt go back to her parents because they hadnt forgiven her for getting pregnant so basically, she didn't have anywhere to go.....(sigh)

I told her to contact family members that can help beg her parents to take her back, that there is no way they(at east her mum) would turn her to the streets.

She said she wanted to learn bead-making and dress-making but she couldn't afford to pay for the courses.

So I wrote her a cheque for N75000, N50k for the courses and N25k for herself.

She said she was going to pass the night at her mum-in-law's place and she sent a text to her hubby in my presence.

What do you reckon?

Sunday, 19 August 2007

Relatives that Suck!!!

Just a quick post peeps.
Hubby's hosting a couple of friends in the living area.
My uncle's wife's sitting across from me in our small lobby area.
Her husband is my mum's younger half-brother.
She's crying quietly and inconsolably and wiping her eyes with her wrapper.
My eyes are red and sore too from crying....
Here's why...

They've been married four years.
She took in before they got married.
Sadly, she had a stillbirth and hasn't conceived since then.
And she's only twenty-two years old
My bastard uncle, has stopped sleeping with her for two years....

She's gone on her knees and begged me to please help talk to her husband.
How can I do this?
Someone tell me he's not sleeping around.
Someone tell me he's not blaming her.
Someone tell me he's not my uncle.....

Call me stupid, but I'm calling him now.
He got this girl pregnant and her family threw her out and she dropped out of school and now this...
I'm gonna talk some sense into his head...
Shoot me if you like....

Friday, 17 August 2007

Do Not Disturb.......SssssshhhH

Do not disturb!
Honeymoon in Progress!

Princesa, be warned(lol)

Wednesday, 8 August 2007

Gosh! I'm Cheating....I'm on Pills

Hubby's been boasting all week about enjoying himself as he's only working half-day now.
He's going to a beach in Cape Town tomorrow.
He's also been working out in the gym and he says he's sooo fit now that the babes can't get their eyes off him.
Well, I confess haven't been exercising.
I confess haven't been eating right either.
I further confess I've not been keeping away from Beef Suya, Ice-Cream, Pop Corn, Shawarma, Chinese take-aways, Pastries, TFC (Africana), etc.
I confess I've not cooked in more than a week?
I confess I have been eating out mostly with my sister.(sigh)
I confess I bought two exercise DVDs in Johannesburg, and I've only managed 7minutes out of 90minutes,
I confess the will to exercise is sooooo haaaaaard!!
Lastly, I confess I've decided to lose weight by cheating.

I'm sure fitness instructors have to work out for months/years to be able to work 90minutes NONSTOP
Gosh! (sighing)
So, I'm currently living on cereal(bran) , fruits and Holland & Barrett's Apple Cider Vinegar tablets.
Those tablets have worked wonders on my tummy already in less than a week.
I've been taking two tablets, three times daily.
My Iraqi friend swore they worked wonders and forced me to buy it and I honestly have no regrets whatsoever!!!
I bought the 200tablets pack in Victoria, London since last year.
Hubby's gonna be so gobsmacked when he sees me.
Mmmmmh, cheating is so exciting........
What do you reckon?

Tuesday, 7 August 2007

Saffa Gists IV

Sadly, I couldn't make the trip to Gold Reef City the next day as hubby had plans.
He drove us to Sandton City where we had quality time together.
We were holding on to each other most of the time and window-shopping.
I showed hubby the breath-taking jewellery set and he teased me about being vain.
He warned that such things are a pure waste of money and they attract unnecessary attention: like armed robbers(Hubby's theory) lol.
We had lunch and dinner at the square and hubby bought a set of his and hers Citizen wristwatches, we also took a Natural walk tour and appreciated the beauties of nature.
During our walk tour, hubby and I took pictures together with lovely birds and natural garden scenery as backgrounds.
One peacock(peashrew, more like) kept chasing after my hubby and flapping its wings.
It was very comical, though hubby didn't find it funny. He said it was a 'witch-bird'
At some point during the walk tour, I thought hubby was standing beside me and I grabbed a handful of 'his bum' playfully.
Hubby was wearing khaki shorts, but the bum in my hand was covered in a soft fabric and very soft.
I turned and behold, I was pinching the wrong bum, a middle-aged, white guy's bum.
Luckily, he didn't think I was perving cos he laughed when I apologised and said: 'Never mind'
Hubby was almost breaking apart with laughter as he teased me about my public displays of affection, not that he's ever complained.
We had dinner after our tour and drove back to the hotel where we........
Hubby said we'ld go to Capetown during the next weekend but sadly, it didn't happen as I had to come back home.

I drove us to Gold Reef City the next day, while hubby gave directions from a map.
His unmarried colleague tagged along.
We got soooooo lost, sooooo many times but we finally made it there.
It was very, very cold that day but we maximised our time together.
We were like teenagers as we dared each other to go on the scariest rides in the theme park.
As hubby drove us back, his colleague teased us about our fondness for each other.
He said: I go marry oh. I must marry oyibo wifee oh. Ahn! Ahn! Babes this, Babes that, Babes smile, Babes Noooo, Yes Babes, Babes. Babes. Babes. Babes. Babes. Babes. Ah Na wa oooooo.
I hope this feeling of fondness never ends.
I pray hubby and I would be happy forever.
I know it's not impossible...........

In Summary,
I went to Gold Reef City again with Ke and Aa (though I had to pay for some of their rides as punishment for not turning up the last time).
We also met for lunch and went to the cinema to watch "Harry Potter & d..Phoenix" (Long Title, I can't remember it all)
I disgraced myself at the cinema, by sleeping off and 'SNORING!!!!!'
Nobody's ever told me that I snore but, Ke recorded it on his phone and I heard it with my ears.
I tried to stay awake afterwards, even though I had argued bitterly about the 'Harry Potter' choice of movie.
I don't watch Sci-fi, Horror, Action etc, just Drama and Romance and the occasional Thriller.
We bid farewell to each other with a trip to a souvenir market and a gay nightclub in Joburg.
I met soooooooo many homosexuals.
The 'girly homosexuals' kept saying 'us girrrrls'
Hubby had warned me seriously about any 'Truth or Dare' games.
I wasn't allowed to drink, or dare anyone, or kiss anyone or lose my rings or do anything...(lol).
It was fun though and Ke and Aa promised to visit me in Nigeria in the near future..which I don't believe.
I returned to Nigeria with just one piece of luggage, I wish i went to CapeTown and SunCity though.
But I enjoyed myself immensely even though I didn't do any shopping.
I hope I've covered everything?????
Back to the present.
Hubby's coming back next week....yippee!
& A kel Called Wonder: I haven't been given an appointment letter.
Those people are beginning to piss me off....(lol)

Monday, 6 August 2007

Saffa Gists III

I was feeling quite cold so I walked into a cafe to buy coffeee.....
Voice 1: (loudly) Nooooooo! Noooooooo!
Voice 2: You f**king bitch!
It was a friendly gay couple from my last office.
I'll identify them by the first two letters of their names: Ke and Aa.
Me: Oh Noooo! I can't believe my eyes, I must be dreaming!
Ke: No, you're not you silly cow
Me: Shut up and give me a hug
So we hugged and kissed cheeks: Muah, Muah and sat down for coffee and cappuccino.
Aa was fired from work for going AWOL, so Ke resigned in protest.
Ke's currently working freelance with Sky Broadcasting while Aa's unemployed and on benefits.
They were in Saffa on holiday and staying with another gay couple in Joburg.
I told them I had gotten married and I was in SA with my hubby and we were staying in the company's guesthouse in Johannesburg.
Ke: Did you marry a fit bloke?
Me: Of course
Ke: Do you think he'll f**k me?
Me: Shut up and don't be rude
Ke: Just joking...
Aa: Can we visit and get drunk? This place is fucking expensive and I'm f**king broke.
Me: Aa, you're always broke! You better sort yourself out. Have you guys done any shopping? I've just seen some jewelery and I was almost tempted to spend a fortune.
Ke: Us 'girrrrls' haven't done any shopping and honestly, I can't be bothered with shopping. I just want to have fun, do lots of sight-seeing and have a relaxing holiday.
Aa: Me too. I'll buy a couple of souvenirs though.
Ke: Yeah. Just souvenirs. I shop every f**king day in the UK. I'm not hauling f**king shopping bags around during my f**king holiday.
Me: So what have you been doing?
Aa: We went to SunCity every fu*king day during our first week and got super broke.
Ke: And we've been to.......(Lists off about a dozen or so tourist spots) And then we're off to The Lion Park tomorrow to roar the fuck out of their f**king lions. I'm going to see a real life cheetah for the first time in my f**king life. If I am reincarnated, I've got to be a f**king cheetah.
Aa: I'll have to be a rhino.
Ke: Fucking hell....
Aa:Stop swearing Ke, y'know Coppie's (abbreviates my real name) posh and she hates swearing.
Me: (sigh) So when are you returning to the UK?
Ke: Next weekend.
Me: Do you have to prebook a ticket to see the lions?
Ke: We don't have prebooked tickets. Do u want to hang out with us?
Me: Okay.....

So we made arrangements to meet @ 11am, the next day @ The Square.
I gisted hubby about my day out and arrangements for the next day.
He advised me to be careful with the 'gay bastards'
I assured him they were nice and harmless and we were quite close back in the UK.
The next morning, Mrs VWX asked if I was going anywhere, so I told her I was going to The Lion Park with friends from the UK.
She asked if I was driving but I said I wasn't familiar with the road network and I was going by public transport.
Surprisingly, she said she'll go with me.
Ke and Aa turned up with the other gay couple.
When I introduced Mrs VWX to my gay friends, she was very unfriendly and won't even accept a handshake.
She muttered condescendingly in pidgin: Which kind people be this? You know tell me say na this type people you dey waka with. Abeg, when you dey come back. I no go again, I no fit dey waka with this kind people. I go just look around here and wait for you. (grumbling, grumbling)
So we left her but Ke didn't let it go.
Ke: Fucking bitch! She's so f**king rude!!! That's f**king discrimination....
Me: Hush, hush....

We left for The Lion Park and soon forgot about her.
As we drove through the park, I saw many animals including lions and jackals at very close range and I sat down quietly, tense with fear and praying quietly.
My friends were excited and asking questions and snapping away.
When Ke and Aa entered a 'secure area' where they actually felt and took pictures with baby hyenas, lion cubs and other animals, the Nigerian in me, wasn't that adventurous despite many assurances......
Mmmmmh, I don't want an obituary titled: Eaten by lions and other wild animals.....
Our guide pointed out different animals, some I've never even heard of.
I loved the zebra most.
I used to think girraffes were graceful but up close, they are quite ugly???
Ke squealed like he was having sex when we saw the cheetahs and asked if we could get as close as possible.
He won't shut up even when the guide told him to keep it quiet so as not to startle the animals.

In all, I learnt holidays shouldn't always be about shopping till I drop and that I must ALWAYS research before going sightseeing.
I honestly didn't know we were going to drive through a park filled with wild animals (safari style).
You see, I thought the animals would be caged.
I doubt Mrs VWX woulda enjoyed herself......
She found her way back to the guesthouse and I didn't see her stepping out of that guest house till I left SA.
I arranged to meet Ke and Aa the next day for a trip to 'Gold Reef City'
Hubby laughed so hard when I told him about introducing Mrs VWX(now nicknamed "madam") to my friends

Saturday, 4 August 2007

Saffa Gists II

So I called hubby.

Me: Babes, what do you reckon? I've just splurged on jewelery.

Hubby: (laughs): What have you bought?

Me: Promise you won't be mad....

Hubby (pauses): ........ What do you mean?

Me: I bought this 18carat yellow gold set...

Hubby: Is it for me?

Me: Nooooo

Hubby: So why should I be mad?

Me: It's equivalent to almost $2000

Hubby: What?

Me: It's not $2000, it's almost....

Hubby: I heard you the first time. You don't have that much on you.

Me: I'm using the rest of my ticket money and I have my credit card with me

Hubby: Babes, I'm saying no and I would be very cross with you if you bring that........thing home.

Me: Babes, this is the only thing I want from this trip. I promise I won't buy anything else. And I don't even think I can return it because I know that as a health precaution, most retailers dont accept earrings back.

Hubby: Mmmmmmmh? What's wrong with all the jewelery you have at home plus those big ones your mum gave you and all the beads you have acquired? Copido what's wrong with them? (When my hubby calls me by my name, it's the first sign of anger)

Me: Nothing

Hubby: Copido, if you continue this sort of impulsive buying do you think we can ever own anything of value? We may as well forget about any Christmas holiday

Me: Awwwwww Babes! Just because of $1800

Hubby: I've got to go

Me: I was only joking oh

Hubby (pauses)......You are sick!

Like Hubby said, what I have is more-than-sufficient.......and I agree....and honestly, I guess I just wanted to splurge unnecessarily on heavy jewelery.
My Mum travels to Milan often to buy gold and she's been very generous to me, she even gave me the three different sets of gold accessories I used during my traditional wedding and reception.
Gosh, am I getting vain or stupid or both?


What do you reckon?