Sunday, 29 April 2007

Coming Up: My Best Friend's Wedding

I am too knackered to start blogging about the buzz and excitement now. I am sure I am gonna have to do it over the space of one year but I'll do it..I am sure I will because it was so lovely. I think it was the most beautiful wedding I have ever been to but my friend thinks mine beat hers hands down.
I wonder how we can remain friends when we rarely agree....

Hubby's cross with me because I am extending my stay by 5days.
I have honestly been playing errand maid since I got here and I have not done any personal shopping.
I love shopping and I love walking the streets of the West end and I love my hubby aaand I have to do all my shopping or waste my baggage allowances......
How am I gonna bribe hubby cuz he's really cross!!!!
I reckon I'll cross that bridge when I get home.....

Someone Found Out About My Blog

Since arriving in the UK, I have been playing errand maid to my friend, the bride, now a wife(yippee).
I updated my blog on her laptop on the 25th and so she's discovered my blog and unveiled my identity.
I always clear history after using the puter at home but I was careless....(shrug)
I am happy she's the one that discovered it anyway as I trust her with everything.
Of course, she's been asking about who I had my escapade with and I have cried out the whole River Thames and threatened to remove this blog.
I was so ashamed yet again, and it was like re-living the whole experience.
For the first time in my life, I let the whole weight of that guilty pasttime off as I confided in my friend.
I cried and my friend she actually wept with me and cursed 'the baggers: adulterous married men' with all the venom in her tiny frame.
We started sharing all the secrets we had never told anyone and boy, there was no denying it, sometimes we do some really stupid things but the 'choice' to move on is what makes us strong.
I thought I had a dark secret but my friend had a darker one and I have her permission to share it on my blog, so I'll do it someday.
We were laughing and crying together for hours and there was no consoling us.
But it was a great release, a shed burden!
We held hands and prayed our husbands would remain faithful.
I thought I had forgiven myself before but I have just truly and really forgiven myself.
Some friends are better than all the wealth of this world and I just want to thank you for being a true friend.....
I wish I could say more but I am still knackered from your wedding and there's simplicity in using few words.
I know you'll be reading this from now on and I can't stop you but I trust you and I know you won't betray me.

Thursday, 26 April 2007

Hoping For A New Nigeria

It wasn't too much of a surprise to learn that Yaradua won the presidential election(yawn).
Afterall, Mr President already declared that it was a do-or-die affair for PDP.
I hope above all these that we will have a new Nigeria.
Although some speak in glowing terms of Yaradua, I beg to differ (Nothing Personal).
I was posted to Katsina state for my NYSC programme, and I was quite enthusiastic that I would shed some pounds (weight) gained from years of eating KFC & MacDonalds.
I only 'managed' to stay in Katsina for 3months before packing my bags and returning to England.
I found the living conditions in Katsina quite unbearable and I returned to England barely three months into the programme.
I would not blame Mr Yaradua for the extremely hot weather as it's no fault of his.
I am shocked that people speak of him in glowing terms especially about all he's done in Katsina.
He might have done a lot, but he has neglected what I would term 'the most basic and important thing'
In my opinion, he has neglected to educate his people.
There is power in education, but our northern allies have been denied severally of this priviledge.
In Katsina, children learn to beg from a very tender age and have little or no interest in education.
Many children said they aspired to become 'corpers' (A community service every Nigerian graduate undergoes immediately after graduating) so they could receive the 'corper's monthly allowance: N7500')
We encouraged them to go to school but that was just very boring talk.
I also observed that the men treated women very condescendingly.

I lodged in a hotel at Katsina for the duration of my stay and I had to question my sanity so many times.
Men lodged in the same hotel with young girls from age 14 and indulged in groupsex and acts of drunkenness.
These men wore Hausa regalia and spoke in hausa but I'm not sure if they were indigenes of Katsina but I know they were 'big men' ie men with bucks..
I found this hypocritic as Katsina is a Sharia state but then, in Nigeria, only the grassroot thieves are prosecuted, aint it?

I hope Mr Yaradua would remember his promises to the people of this nation.
I hope that Nigeria, like Ghana would soon celebrate 3years of 'uninterrupted power supply'
I hope we would say farewell to bribery, corruption and 'Ghana-must-go' in high places
I hope we would be able to live, drive and shop in pollution-free areas.
I hope our children would have better opportunities than we did.
I hope Nigerians would stop having a thieving mentality.
I hope the basic things of life would not be a luxury to the masses.
I hope for security of lives in our nation.
I hope for good road networks, I mean it's so much fun to drive abroad.
I hope Nigerians would have a new respect for the laws of this country and it's enforcement agents.
I hope the police would be better paid and taken care of so they can stop collecting N50 bribes.
I hope our northern allies(rich and poor) would be more encouraged to educate their children.
I hope Mr Yaradua can make Nigerians proud.
I hope for a beautiful and shining Nigeria
I hope for a New Nigeria, that will be the true giant of Africa.
I hope it is not too much to ask for.......

Sunday, 22 April 2007

How Do I Cope in Naija???

I arrived in London Heathrow on Saturday morning.
Once I got through Customs & Immigrations, I almost started crying.
I began to ask myself how I could give up my life in he UK for my beloved.
When I saw my brother among the crowd, I hugged him and I just started crying.
He was confused and he just held me while people looked on
He held me quietly in one arm and wheeled my luggage with the other as we walked to the car park.
With me, when I am crying, it's best to leave me alone till I'm in safe mode or else I'll become so hysterical.
My bro put my luggage into the car while I stood wiping my eyes.

Bro: Are you better now?
Me: I think so(sigh!)
Bro: Whats wrong?
Me: I'm just asking myself questions(shrug).

Can I actually settle back in Naija?
I am married to a 'big boy' (rich bloke) and I have lots of my own money but Lagos is so loud and lawless.
There is no respect for the law and even law enforcement officers do not have any respect for themselves.
Many places in Lagos are characterised with chaos!!!!
There's never any light (Electric Power Supply) and I'm even getting headaches from generator noise!
The roads are bad and poorly maintained!
In short, the state of social amenities and infrastructure is below average!
Sometimes I just want to walk to the park but there's none......except I don't know of it.
There's poverty, suffering and frustration written across the foreheads of the men on the street
Beggars, disabled men and lunatics are littered everywhere.
Job interviewers lack respect and good manners and they believe they are doing you a favour!!!
I comfort myself all the time by saying it's not so bad, maybe it's not.
But the honest truth is:::: Lagos is filthy and polluted!!!
Lagos is bad!!!
And only GOD can save us
I'm still asking myself if I was mad to give up a 'great 4year IT job with GREAT career prospects' to marry my heartthrob!!!
Truth is, it was quite easy for me to give up my life in the UK but living without it is a big torment!
I hope I will survive somehow cos I never want to be separated extensively from hubby so I wont have a long-distance marriage.

I met a couple of neighbours when we got home and I wasn't surprised when they chorused:
You've become so dark!!!! What happenned???!!!
Me: Naija happenned

The truth is, I have not used any body cream in like 2/3months because of the intense heat.
I keep wondering how fair-skinned Lagosians are able to keep fair.
Well, I'm not an expert with body-creams so I wouldn't know.
I have turned from a nice, clean shade of cream chocolate skin colour to an ugly black colour.
Well, I'm in London till Saturday for my best friend's wedding.
She came all the way to Lagos for mine and she made me her 'Maid of Honour' so there was no way hubby could say 'No'
I'm hoping I'll have a restful week.

Phew::::::::::I just asked myself how I manage without Broadband!

Wednesday, 18 April 2007

Evil & Reckless Nigerian Bus Drivers

My Nissan Altima has been wrecked!!!!
I was exiting the service lane to join the express when this driver zoomed into my car from nowhere.
I had the shock of my life as I heard the sound of breaking glass, crushing metal and the car was suddenly jerked to the other side of the road!!
A policeman and nearby witnesses stopped the driver as he tried to make a run.
Suddenly, the bus passengers were confronting me, mercilessly harassing me and saying I was at fault!!!
Because I was in shock, I could barely talk and I almost fainted when I saw the mess he had made of my brand new car!!!
We were in front of a police station and of course, we had caused a mighty big scene.
I was speechless and trying hard not to cry.
The wretched old driver came to me and started prostrating and pleading for mercy but his irate passengers told him to get up as there was no need to beg me, it was my fault!!!

I calmly regained my nerves and told the policemen to lead us into the police station for an investigation.
They made drawings of the scene and someone drove my car into the station while the officer drove the bus in behind us.
I called hubby to tell him and he was anxious about my wellbeing because I had begun to cry hysterically.
We bought the car on lease and we haven't even used it for up to a year.
Hubby assured me he would contact our insurance coy and we could get the car fixed or buy another one as long as I was okay.
He promised to join me at the station ASAP with his lawyer.

At the investigation unit, we were asked to give our statements.
I started to write mine but the driver was illiterate and had to speak in Nigerian dialect while an officer wrote it out for him.
He said I ran into his car, end of.
I was shocked as it was so obvious he was lying
He was unable to produce a valid driver's license and he admitted he did not consult his mirror before driving into the exit.
I already knew I was vindicated as he was a staunch liar.
Officers advised us to compromise or we would have to go to court.
I said I was ready to go to court and that my hubby was on the way with his lawyer.
I told the officers to impound both cars as I was going to make sure he fixed my car, if it means selling off the bus.
The driver began prostrating again and offered me two thousand five hundred naira amidst pleas.
I actually felt sorry for him and I might have asked him to go if it wasn't for a police officer who insisted the driver was reckless and did not deserve any mercy.
He asked me to call whoever was going to fix the car to get a quotation
Driver: Ahhh!!! Oga I begi, pulease help me, abegi. I use GOD beg una, abegi (prayers, prayers, prayers)
So I called hubby to call a car technician but he said he had contacted our insurance company and they were on the way to the station.
I told him I was beginning to feel sorry for the poor chap but he said no way and vehemently insisted that I should not give ear to his pleas.
Anyways, hubby arrived with lawyer and we said we were ready to go to court.
The owner of the bus was contacted, when he arrived he said he had warned the man repeatedly about his reckless driving.
He said he wanted his bus back and was not willing to pay a dime as whatever happened to the driver was no concern of his but police said the bus had to be held as evidence.
Bus owner started crying, cursing and begging.
It's sad but many Nigerians are suffering, really suffering.
He said it was the only source of income he had to of himself, wife, mother and 9chilren
Hubby said it was a sob story and refused to budge, so 'I started begging hubby on their behalf'....Can you imagine the irony?!!!
Eventually, hubby said he would only let them go when the car technician and insurance arrived.

Car Technician quoted N70,000 - N80000.
Cries, Pleas, Curses ensued from driver and car owner.
Hubby: How much will you pay.
Driver: N2500, I swear that's all I have
Hubby: You are not serious
Owner: How much make we pay?
Hubby: At least N20000 so you both learn a lesson
Both: Please sir, please sir, oga please

Eventually, it was agreed that they will pay N10000 at the spot and deposit N2000 per day for 5days at the police station.
Insurance took our statement and said they will contact us.
They towed our car away.....(sigh)
Police said they would not release the bus till the money was fully paid, which we agreed to.
Anyways, at the end of a gruelling 4 and a half hours, the ordeal came to an end but I must mention we had to buy 2 higher education notebooks each, hubby had to give the police 'some money' because we were told to see oga and hubby had to give the cop at the gate N200 for opening and closing the gate for us.
What do u reckon....was it worth the stress?
I forgot to mention the police station was filthy and it stank!!!!

Tuesday, 17 April 2007

Governorship Elections in Lagos Nigeria

Registering to vote was a nightmare, but exercising my right to vote was even worse.
As we had been advised of restricted movement on election day, I had to leave home on Friday night for Magodo, where I registered.
I checked into De-Suites hotels on Friday night and I was ready to vote by 0900am, alas, INEC officials were nowhere to be found.
They(INEC) eventually arrived at about 1300pm and were completely deaf to our suggestions on how to hasten the process.
They had to carry out verification/accreditation of voters credibility first by searching through five(5) registration handbooks page-by-page for the voter's details, in this age of technology?????
The names were arranged according to the order we registered, hence it wasn't even alphabetical.
In the space of 5hours, less than 70people and an unknown number of senior citizens had been attended to.
As you can imagine, a higher majority of us were left waiting in doubt of whether or not we would be able to vote.
I've got dual citizenship and I have voted in the UK twice, I swear Nigeria has a long w-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay to go!!!

Eventually, a resident of Magodo took charge and asked for suggestions and we agreed it would be better to call out ten-twenty names in the order they appeared instead of searching through 5books for a voter's name.
Of course, those in the front queue protested and won't agree. The senior citizens also kicked against it and I began to wonder what INEC meant when it announced that they were fully ready for the elections.
In my opinion, the INEC staff at Magodo Police Station, Polling Booth 014, were lacking in training and materials and were either not ready for the election or they had a scheme to connive with a party to impose a candidate on us.
What I mean is, the new process was obviously faster and in the space of less than an hour, the INEC official said he had run out of ballot paper and he was going to count the 300votes and leave.
Magodo is an elite estate and its residents are known for their appreciation of peace and quiet but on Saturday, they united in one voice against malpractice and questioned why 300papers were provided for a centre that registered 1200people!!!!!!
Men and women, young and old confronted the officials and refused to allow them leave or count the votes.
Eventually, two hours later and after several calls were made, more ballot paper arrived and everyone was able to vote amidst lots of struggling, pushing and pulling.
As for hubby,he said he didn't have a candidate and couldn't care less about voting as INEC was going to impose someone, most likely Koro, on us but I insisted it was my civic duty and I ensured I voted amidst all the challenges.
Of course, I voted for Raji Fashola. Why?
I think he's a distinguished gentleman.
I think he would finish up Tinubu's unfinished work: continuity!
I think he's much less of a tout than Koro, therefore he will make a better leader.
I think his slogan: 'Eko O Ni Baje' is inspiring.
I think he might have a sound mind.

Jimi Agbaje was my second choice but I knew he didn't have a chance in this election as Fashola and Koro are more popular, maybe in 2011..
As for Fashola, I'm happy he won as I'm strongly against PDP.
My dad and uncle are members of the PDP but I don't support their party in any way.
Also, while visiting in Magodo last month, there was a PDP meeting/rally somewhere on Tokunbo Macaulay and the place was packed with area boys.
I was turning into the street when my car was surrounded by area boys aggressively ordering me to reverse.
I was adamant and they started hitting and pushing my car till I reversed.
A convoy of jeeps, cars and buses bearing posters and paintings of 'Kafilah Ogbara?' tore into the street at high speed.
In my head, I thought a woman????? A woman????? A female politician???? PDP???
Harassing citizens of Nigeria with touts?????
And I vowed not to vote for PDP.

As hubby had insisted that I stay in Magodo till Sunday, I checked out of the hotel and went to my parents' home further down the road.
On getting home, Dad was not happy at all as Fashola had won with a wide margin in Magodo and even Jimi Agbaje fared better than Obanikoro.
I asked how he knew and he said that in the spirit of transparency, INEC officials had to count and record the votes in the presence of party officials before leaving the voting booth.
I kept shut and didnt tell him I had voted the opposition, not that he would kill me but just for peace sake.....
My uncle's wife later called from Ikoyi with the same news: Fashola won in her polling station but someone told her that PDP had won in 15local governments already so it didn't matter.
I wasn't happy to hear that, but I jumped for joy when it was officially announced that Fashola won the Lagos Gubernatorial Election!!!!

To Fashola:
I congratulate you, please don't let the good people of this state down!!!!

Saturday, 14 April 2007

Easter Surprise

I've just returned from holiday in Egypt, an Easter Surprise Pressie from hubby!!!
It's so hard to believe Egypt is an African country.
It was my second visit to Egypt.
We went on a Nile Cruise, toured Sharm-el-Sheikh, climbed Mount Sinai(for me, part of Mount Sinai but hubby was more adventurous) and we visited the pyramids of Giza.....spooky pyramids.
Hubby and I had a camel ride, I was screaming all the way especially when the camel was getting up...coward!!!
Our pictures are hilarious.
We lodged in the beautiful city of Alexandria.
I must say the place was filled with Brits, yeah all they ever do is holiday.
I ran into a sour-puss from my last office, she kept staring rudely at me so I told hubby I was going to do something rude.
When I caught her staring at me again, I returned her stare with a look of disgust and I gave her an evil eye, that was the last I saw of her....hehehehe!
The tour guides were absolutely lovely and so encouraging, of course we spent loads of OUR HARD-EARNED money but we had fun and I think I lost some weight.
I must confess I had a swell time and it was a lovely time-off to de-stress, considering the intense heat in Lagos and of course, it was a good break from unsteady power supply. GOD help Nigeria!!!!!

Some guy was trying to make conversation with me by the poolside when hubby went to get us drinks.
Hubby returned and boasted: 'Don't you think my wife is beautiful'
Poor chap was like: Yeah!! She's an adorable package, very pretty face.
It turned out they both schooled and lived in Southampton for years....boring talks ensued.
Did you know...? Oh yeah.....and .......
But Egypt was fun and I just wanna thank hubby for such a wonderful present.

Back to Naija, my kitchen stinks as all my frozen food got spoilt. I had to dash out to do some food shopping so we don't starve to death. We've been using the generator since we got back home....phew!

And Egypt is an African country?
And Egypt doesn't claim to be the Giant of Africa!!!
Peeps, what do you reckon we have to do?
Methinks, we all should vote wisely.
I am voting Raji Fashola...the SAN with a sound mind!!!

Friday, 6 April 2007

Hubby's Birthday

April 4th 2007 was a beautiful day, my hubby turned 31....yeeeeeaaH!!!!!

Happy birthday, my love. I wish you many more years, yes oh.

Hubby and I slept early on his birthday eve so we could wake up at midnight to do a birthday prayer and did we pray!!!
I prayed fervently that GOD would remember my hubby in all the finest things of life and that we would never be ashamed or have any regrets re: our marriage..Amen.

It was an intense and long prayer and afterwards, I sprang up and presented hubby with a birthday card

I woke Birthday Boy up with a very wet kiss and we just cuddled up in bed for another 5minutes reminiscing .

I had decided I was going to do thirty one special things to make his day extra-special and memorable.

Me: So what are you wearing?
Hubby: I'm a big boy dear so I dont wear birthday clothes, maybe if you insist, I'll wear one of my new shirts
Me: Dear, you should be wearing all new stuff today
Hubby: Go away
Me: Lets go and open your gifts
Hubby smiles and follwos me to the dining room.
I had placed a huge box card and 5other cards of various sizes on the table along with various gift-wrapped parcels.
A big 'Happy Birthday Dear Husband' Halogen balloon is floating and touching the ceiling.
A Large Square cake decorated in Blue and Cream with some very private code message.....sorry peeps.
Hubby looks excited as he unwrapped the first parcel, it's a blue TM Lewin shirt and matching tie(bought from Twice as Nice, The Palms in Lekki)
Hubby: (kisses moi) Thanx love, I'll wear these today
Next parcel is a pair of socks and a set of men's handkerchief
Hubby: (laughing) Birthday clothes, yeah?
Next gift is an 18carat two-tone Italian gold necklace with matching handchain. (Grrrrh!!! I bought it on credit because I promised hubby one over 3years ago. I am going to get the money back from him, cunningly.....I'm a woman, ain't it??)
Hubby: Is it gold?
I pinched him playfully and nodded as he wouldn't know cos he's never ever owned one. He can't believe how much it costs to buy gold and he thinks it's a waste of money and completely ridiculous
Hubby: Sweetheart, how much is this? It looks really expensive....but I cant wear it today, maybe weekends
I shrugged quietly, calculating the scheme I would use to get my money back. Hubby spoils me all the time with pressies and money so I was very happy to see the smile on his face.(smiles)

Hubby: How many presents?
Me: You are getting 31 gifts today
Hubby: (Excited, almost bouncing on the dining chair. He looked like a child unwrapping his Xmas gifts, you lot shoulda seen his face,...cute, radiant. My husband is very easy to read. Very expressive....I wont start now, he's my baby-buuuuu buuuu) 31 gifts? It's not possible dear. You'll go bankrupt,,hahhahhaahhha
(He's laughing because he's just unwrapped a giant-faced Swatch wrist-watch I bought on impulse at the Palms(Wranglers, methinks).
He reaches for me and smack....I got a wet, slurpy kiss. My hubby's oozing out so much excitement that I'm also quite excited and I'm smiling like an idiot...not that I'm one.
Hubby: Babes, do you think I'm going to work today?
Me: You have to
Hubby: Are there pressies at work too?
Me: Come on!
Hubby: I'm so sure you have planned a surprise party. I am so very sure The party would be my 31st Surprise. I'll still be surprised hon. I promise I wont ruin it
Me: You better pack some casuals then
Hubby: Babes, you are too much!!!! Another kiss, mwah, mwah, mwah
Hubby reaches for last gift, it's an 'Issey Miyake' perfume and aftershave set. I bought it in December @ Harrods (Heathrow Airport Duty Free Shop). Hubby pullsme up and we have a long one
Hubby: You are a wonderful wife. I know I will never regret marrying you
Me: Same here hon xxxxxxxxx..........

Hubby finally leaves for work at 7am. He looks so handsome. He's glowing like....I'm short of words, can someone help me?
From 800am till 500pm, I sent one text message per hour.
Text At 800am: What I Love About you
(peeps, you gotta mind your own here cos I'm not sharing)
Text At 900am: How Can I love you when.......
Text At 1000am: 7 Love Confessions
Text At 1100am: Why I Love You & I sent my driver to hubby's secretary with some Birthday Goodies for his Colleagues(hubby didn't like this one)
Text At 12noon: 7 Things I'm Gonna Do with you
Text At 100pm: 7 What Ifs.....
Text At 200pm: 7 Promises I Make to you
Text At 300pm: What I think about you
Text At 400pm: A Prayer for you
Text At 500pm: Tonight, I promise you the time of your life and my 31st gift. You must leave work now babes

As I am technically jobless, ok I'm setting up my business, I have all the time in the world to do as I please.
Well, I was sitting in my hubby's Jeep by half four, patiently waiting for him at the back seat. I had packed him an overnight bag with fresh clothes, underwear and toiletries for the next day, my last gift was Dinner & Overnight Lodging @ L'Escale Hotel & Restaurant at the very same.....very nice......
Hubby finally approached his car at 5:15pm......Grrrhhh.
But thank goodness he was alone. He was on the phone talking quite loudly and taking his time.
I quickly switched off the ignition and pursed my spare key.
He finally opened the car door and flung his jacket across the driver seat.
I'm squatting behind the driver's seat holding my breath as he settles into his seat and then my phone started ringing very loudly.
Me(stiffened and held my breath): Oh blast!!!!
Hubby: Ha? Ha?
Hubby got out of his seat to look for the offending phone and finds his plump wife panting and smiling foolishly....
Me: (weakly) Surprise!!!!!!
Hubby: (laughing, he's such a good sport!!) Babes, you better come out of there before you kill yourself. Shebi u said I should hurry home for surprise number 31. We have to audit these surprises to make sure it's complete oh
Hubby helped me outta the car and I told him we were parrying @ L'Escale.He had never heard of it but we sure enjoyed the night and hubby has it all written somewhere to tell our children and cute!!!

So peeps, do you reckon I did a good job? I sure believe hubby will never forget and if he ever finds out about this blog, I'LL BE IN BIG TROUBLE!!!!
Why? He'll know it's moi.

PS( To Hubby OAO) : If u EVER read this blog or find out about it, I know you'll know it's me. Please remember this day and know I love you with all my heart

Thursday, 5 April 2007

Nigerian Police- A Social Problem????

Why is the Nigerian Police constantly extorting money from the citizens of this nation and causing unnecessary delays?
I am yet to meet a self-respected and honourable policeman who would change this impression.
Having lived extensively in Canada and the United Kingdom, some reckon my opinion is biased, well at least it's my opinion.
I won't excuse the citizens of Nigeria either as many Nigerians would rather tip policemen to avoid 'unnecessary delays'.
I am even more ashamed to say my hubby is also a culprit of bribing police officers but I will never ever ever bribe one.

Here goes, I was out yesterday to do this month's shopping(groceries).
My car boot was packed with raw foods like: rice, garri, yams, pepper, frozen fish, chicken, beef, assorted meats, veggies etc.
As a result of this, I put the processed foods and drinks in my back seat.
We were approaching Opebi Link road when I observed my driver was on the wrong lane, I scolded him and advised him to trafficate right and do a right turn as we could not go straight. The car ignition went off as he did so and he restarted immediately.
An impatient Nigerian behind us blared his horn and suddenly, about 8 uniformed officers: policemen and LASTMA had surrounded the car like a swarm of bees and they were trying to jerk the car door open.
The driver unlocked the central lock and two men tried to scramble into the packed back seat of my car while a LASTMA official squeezed half his body into my seat and tried to jam the door!!!! A BRAND NEW CAR!!!!

Me: (I reach out to stop LASTMA from jamming the door) Are you crazy? What is going on?
Voices: Obstruction of traffic!! Madam you are obstructing traffic!!!! Turn right and park madam!!!
I observed someone was trying to make room for a seat at the back and he's moving my provision carelessly. I am totally pissed off now. Horns are blaring loudly behind us, so much noise!!!
Me: Officer!!! Get out of my seat now!!!
LASTMA: Madam just turn right, obey before complain.
Me: Can you get your filthy body out of here or I will slap you (See, I'm usually a coward but they had brought out the lion in me)
LASTMA:Madam, you can not threaten or assault an officer (Yeah, he got that right)
I observed someone was gesturing to my driver to turn right so I switched off the ignition and removed the car key
Me: It looks like we are going to sleep here today. I will not move till you lot get out of my car and if you have damaged my shopping, you are going to have it today
Voice: This woman is stubborn, take her to the office
Voice: Madam, you are blocking other road users(Horns are blaring sooo loudly but I'm past caring. I am calling my hubby's phone)
Me: Sweetheart, I'm being harassed by some LASTMA & Police officers at Opebi Link road
Voice: (yelling and hitting my car bonnet) Madam, clear from the road or I'll tow this vehicle. This is not a phoning matter
Me: I think we are going to their office
Hubby: Dear, just give them N500, they'll leave you. If you go to their office, they'll delay you.
Me: (to LASTMA) Where is your office?
LASTMA: Madam, park first
Me: Then get out of my car
Hubby: Dear, give them the phone, tell them your husband wants to talk to them, maybe I'll text them some credit cos I know you....
Me: Later dear.
Voice: Come out of the car, this woman is causing holdup
LASTMA gets out, a skinny policeman has squeezed into the back by now. I jammed my door and ordered the driver to move the car. There are 3men in front of the car, gesturing towards the right. We turned right but they remained standing in front of the car
My driver:(in local dialect) Comot from road make I no clear you; you go just die like chicken
Policeman: Can I see your particulars
My driver passes them to him, he glances through
Policeman: Where is the owner of this car?
Me:It's mine
LASTMA: Madam we are arresting you for obstructing traffic
Me: When and How? (I got out of the car. I have a posh English accent,no matter how I try to localiseit,,,aargggh!!! I flashed my ring)
Look, I am a married woman and I won't let you waste my time. My car ignition went off and he(my driver) restarted it immediately. As you can see, my trafficator is pointing right. How can you accuse me of obstructing traffic because the car stopped? I am sure I don't look like a car technician.
LASTMA to Police: Was the pointer on?
Police: Yes
LASTMA: Madam, please you have to respect the law next time. I'll have mercy on you today but don't do it next time
Me: Try respecting yourself first and avoid embarrassing the people you should protect. And please give your uniform a good wash and scrub your body when you get home cos you stink!!!!
LASTMA:(Walking away with Police Officer) Women! Dem dey too stubborn. This one na craze woman(police laughs)
I got back into the car...phew.
Me(To driver): Lets go
Driver: Oga, abeg comot for car, we dey go abi u wan follow us go house?
Me: (The skinny cop was still squeezed into the back seat) Can you get out of my car and go back to your duty post now
Cop: Madam, wetin dem tell you
Driver: Dem say make we dey go
Cop: He no possible, go and call the LASTMA to confirm this before I comot. Hurry oh because he don go far. If he go, he mean say I go carry you to station
My driver started getting outta the car
Me:(To Driver) Where are you going? Will you sit there!!!
Me: (To Skinny Cop) Officer, are you telling me that you take your instructions from LASTMA? You!!! A police officer? I cannot believe my ears. Will you get outta my car NOW, you moron(oops)!!!!!!!!
Skinny Cop: (stammers) Madam, I am taking you to the station. You are very stubborn
Me:(I jumped outta the car) Then lets go!Where is your station? I am a citizen of Nigeria and the police should be my friend!!!! If you want a bribe, then you have met the wrong person
Skinny Cop: (stammers) Madam, I have not asked you for anything
Me: Then get outta my car and go back to your duty post. You have not been designated as my aide so tell me what you are doing in my car, harassing me and asking me to call LASTMA to instruct youuuuu!!!!
Skinny Cop: (still stammering and barely coherent) Madam, you can see I am not shouting like a woman. Stop shouting on me.
Me: (Was I irked!!!!) I will shout because your conduct is disgusting. Why are you hiding your name and ID number behind that vest? In fact, I'm going to make a complaint about you. What is your name???!! Lets go to you station and if you have damaged any of my stuff, you are done for
There's a small crowd now. I am flailing my arms and yelling like a banshee! But I am beyond caring.
Skinny Cop: Na wa for you. You think I am afraid to go to the station. If if if I take you to station, you'll regret it
Me: Stop threatening me and lets go
Driver: Mummy, let us go. By the time we carry him to Lekki, he'll know
Skinny Cop: (Shakes his head, he looks really embarrassed and opens the door) I..I...I..I'll p.p....pardon you
Me: (I get back into the car) Get out!! Stop being a nuisance
Skinny Cop: Yoou yoouuuu this madam, yoooou you you are too stubborn a.a..aa...nd rude, you better go and change. Your ...your... your mouth is too sharp
Me: Whatever. Go and brush your teeth
Skinny Cop:(sighs/laughs, I'm not sure) I said I will pardon you
Driver: Thank you
I gave him an evil look as he alighted. There's general laughter from spectators as we drive off.


Wednesday, 4 April 2007

Still on Reckless Nigerian Drivers...'Molue'

If you've ever lived in Lagos, Nigeria you will be familiar with the 'molue bus'. 'Molue' is an 'abandoned american school bus' transformed into mass transit buses for very low-income commuters in Lagos.
They are mighty road bullies, very poorly maintained and they always carry more passengers than they should. I
t is not unfamiliar in Lagos to see 6people or more; men, women and children hanging off its entrance or exit doors.
They have the loudest horns and the worst brakes, and have been the major cause of most accidents in Lagos.

I have had these pictures for a month or so.
It's the scene of another molue accident caused by brake failure.
About eight passengers were flung off the third mainland bridge into the waters below.
Needless to say, there was no survivor.
I wonder how many Nigerians can swim, though.
Anyway, the pictures are of 'fishermen turned rescuers'.
A fully uniformed Naval Officer stood in one of the canoes giving instructions to some swimmers who I assume were fishermen.

I was very troubled and I began to wonder how the common men in Nigeria survive when Lagos state cannot boast of emergency rescue facilities for such accidents.
I also began to wonder if we ever learn anything from other countries.
Many Nigerians watch movies and Reality series and know how servicemen(lifeguards, policemen, firemen etc) would risk their own lives to carry out their duties.
It's sad about the lack of facilities in our country, sad about our lackadaisical attitude to our commitments as citizens of this country, we all are sad.
We cant blame anyone,,,,,well on second thoughts we may be able to blame some but is that what we are gonna spend the rest of our lives doing??

What do ye Reckon???

Tuesday, 3 April 2007

April Fools..laugh

Peeps, I've not stopped laughing and crying since Sunday at my April Fool stunt.

You see, mischief is my middle name.
I just love having a laugh at others and of course even at my good self.
My hubby returned home on Sunday and he said all he wanted was a good rest.
I made him a good lunch and I joined him in the shower, I just love bathing with him.
Anyway, we went off to sleep and I laid restless in his arms as he snored lightly beside me.
My hubby has the best cuddle in the world, I'll tell you about that on another day.
Here goes, while hubby slept away, I caressed his beautiful eyebrows and lips and wondered why this gorgeous stud chose moi outta all them pretty damsels in Nigeria.
I soon grew bored with my musings and got up to go to our gym room.
I was exhausted after a gruelling 15minutes workout so I settled in front of the TV.
I am not a soap opera/movie person per say and my reliable reality shows soon failed me as well, yet sleep still evaded me.
I started searching and wandering round the house and I found an Halloween mask I had from way back...dingdong....I had actually forgotten it was April Fools. So I decided to play a prank on the hubby.

I found the black robe I had worn with the mask and quickly changed but my problem was with the voice, you see, my voice is so distinct that people recognise it even in the dark.
Personally, I think it's a very squeaky voice but people say it's husky and sexy...well I wouldn't know because I've listened to my voice recordings and I can't stand the sound of the voice,,,,grrrrh.
I searched my Music file and of course, I found the perfect eerie, scary one(smiles).
Evil laughs, ghost sounds and a scary-looking figure in a dark room....mmmh perfect!!!!!
I drew the curtains,dimmed d light and placed my laptop in a corner of the room and then I thought, a knife at his throat would spice things a bit!!!!!
I quickly decided against that and took the knife sharpener instead, I hit the play button on my puter.
By now, I was kneeling beside the bed with the knife clutched in my hands, pointing at his head and the sounds started from a low pitch and rised soooo slowly and steadily.
I was peeing in my pants now with pent up laughter and doing a slow side-side dance on my knees.

Hubby stirred,,,,
Hubby stiffened,,,,
Hubby opened his eyes,,,,trying to listen with his eyeballs almost popping out of their sockets
Hubby hasn't seen me yet. He has a look of fear, shock, disbelief, paralysis...i simply cant describe it, it was hilarious.
D eerie sounds are so loud that I'm also feeling scared and hoping I wont be a victim of my trick
Hubby springs up, sees my masked face with the pointed knife sharpener
Hubby screams...Ahhhhh! (a loud guttural scream like someone who is face to face with death)
Hubby rolls to the other side of the bed(Jackie Chan speed and style)...I get off my knees shaking in quiet mirth
Hubby:(yelling in his thunderous voice) Oh my GOD!!! Who are you?!!!! What do you want? Am I dreaming? I rebuke you, I rebuke you, I rebuke you in d name of D Lord. (I stagger and pretend to fall)
Hubby:(He's really yelling and I'm worried about the neighbours) I cast you out of this house.
Get out and never come back (I make a run for him)
Hubby dashes/runs to the other side of the room and leaps on d bed, I follow and grab his ankle, he grabs my wrist and we begin to struggle for the knife sharpener
Hubby: (yelling) I will live and not die, I am more than a conqueror.I will fulfil my years........

Suddenly the door busts open, and the lights are turned on

Hubby: Help!!! E gba mi oh
I am laughing, it's our neighbours standing with a look of horror. The wife runs out with her little daughter, screaming Blood of J!
I let go of the sharpener and my hubby is raising it to stab me????!!!
I scream: Honey stop it, It's April Fool !!!!
Just in time to save my narrow arse and my heart. D sharpener narrowly missed my chest and landed in my arm pit,,,,,,,Aaaaargghh so painfuuuuuuul

I got a good scolding
Hubby: M, this is not funny, it's not funny at all
Me: (Moaning and clutchng my armpit in intense pain, these men can be so powerful)
Neighbour: Mrs O, this is not good at all. We were scared, ah see how u have embarrassed your hubby
Hubby: She has embarrassed herself not me (He tears off my mask and he's laughing)
Neighbour's wife returns with her Bible, she's locked her child in the house and sees us.
Neighbour's wife(To her husband): Is it April fool? I told you it was April Fool
My hubby ushers them out of our bedroom....our private area...d nosey idiots
Well, what can I say,my hubby had the last laugh,
I ended up with a bruised armpit, the victim of my own joke

And I was so thankful to that voice of caution that made me take a knife sharpener with blunt edges.....i for don die.

It's my hubby's birthday in 2days & he thinks I'm planning a surprise party but ehhhhnnn, I'm broke, so no parry for him just pressies and ...whatever

Sunday, 1 April 2007

My Darkest Secrets...contd

Today's not been a good day.
I ran into a truck while shooting daggers at its driver for rough driving.
Now I have to spend a fortune to get my car fixed plus I bruised my arm, maybe broke my wedding ring finger and pinkie and I lost my glasses.
Yeah! Just my day

Well, I was lucky to be born with a silver spoon but then my dad's fortune turned from high-income to low-income and settled on medium income but my mum started trading and sort of boosted everything up. She promised we'll never suffer as long as she lived and did she try. So you see, I never had a reason to have a boyfee to get by as I usually had things in abundance as a student, a few hard times but nothing drastic.

You can understand why I didn't have a money motive to date an old man,, middle-aged more like. Anyways, I told a couple of friends about my escapade and they kept going on about how I was missing a golden opportunity to make big money as all I had to do was play smart. I told them I wasn't streetwise and I couldn't risk it and I would rather seek opportunities elsewhere. Meanwhile, the crazy man kept calling my phones but I ignored his calls. One day, while resting in my bedroom,my phone rang and an unfamiliar voice accused
He: Are you a Christian?
Me: Who are you?
He: Answer me, are you a Christian
Me: What bizness of yours is it if I am
He: Well, it's my bizness because I hurt you and you've not given me the opportunity to apologise
Me: What? Who are you?
He: Will you forgive me no matter what I've done
Me: (quiet)
He: Remember you are a Christian
Me: Yes, I'll forgive you
He: It's me, OO
Me: Good-Afternoon Sir
He: I'm really sorry, I don't know what came over me the other day, I couldn't hold back or control myself. You are very sexy
Me: Please don't say such to me again
He: I'm very sorry, can you drop by at my office today so we can talk about your project?
Me: No, don't worry
He: Look, do you want me to promise I wont make any advances
Me: ....Yyyyes
He: i promise

So, very foolishly, I went with my project to his office and I was ushered in though people were waiting to see him. I felt slightly important. We greeted and he tried to hug me but I dodged it. He offered me some snacks and drinks and excused himself to pick a call. Alas, the bastard returned naked and I screamed
He: (begging) Please, just a blow-job
Me: No, I don't know how to do it
He: You just suck (he grabs me, strokes his big penis and shrinking, sagging testis)
Me: I cant do it, I've never done it before
He: Okay please let me suck you
Somehow he got my panties off and was sucking me. I guess that was my mistake. I had never been sucked and I didn't know how it was inexcusable. Before I knew what was happening,he was inside me. I've never told anyone about this and this is just my way of releasing the guilt. I wasn't an unwilling participant but I didn't protest and somehow, I enjoyed it. It was the first time I experienced a climax. He was the second man I slept with in my life.
I cried on my way home because I was so disgusted at myself and totally ashamed of myself.

His call came again,and as if on a blindfold, I went to meet him on a couple more times and committed the dastardly act. I guess he knew more about pleasuring a woman as he was so old and adulterous. I was in church one day and when people spoke to me, I felt like I had the words WHORE!!! ADULTERESS!!! stamped on my forehead. Infact when a minister stopped me to speak with me, I felt like he could see right through me. As a result, I fled from church, my guilt had encompassed me and separated me from my first love. Everyone in church was concerned about me but I couldn't face them.

Eventually, I forgave myself and returned to the house of GOD.I can blame OO and call him all sorts of names but I'm the bigger culprit because I let go of my principles and self respect. I hope GOD forgives me and that his wife forgives me too, it was hard enough to forgive myself.

I ran into OO again at the airport when I was returning to the States. He had this monkey grin as he grabbed my hand in full view of everyone, my fiancee and siblings included. I snatched my hand and gave him an evil eye. He asked me how I was faring and I don't even remember replying. A friend came up to me and went 'Did that just happen? Did I see or imagine OO grab your hand and you snatched your hand and gave him the look?' In reply, I gave her the look as well and said 'Don't even go there'

On a final note,I know many people would condemn me and I wont blame you all. The reason I put this on is because I read somebody's blog and she was being condemned for having a baby for a married man. I condemned her as well and then I remembered the filth in my past. I understood I had no right to judge her because sin is sin. The fact that she had a child did not mean hers was a greater sin. You see, like me, she had moved on but the world would not have that and would rather stone her to death. The guy was even Muslim meaning he could have married her but I guess she realised what she was doing and decided to stop rocking someone else's boat. The thing is, I know what I did was sinful, inexcusable filth and I suffered for it and sank in guilt for so long but I stopped, forgave myself, repented and had GOD forgiving me. Remember the story about the prostitute(I'm not one(lol)). She would have been stoned by people who were even more unclean if not for the intervention of JESUS.

Once bitten, Twice Shy? You wish.....Later